Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Breathe in for Luck

My words are usually poignant and pointed, sharp as the pencil I would use to write them if we didn't live in an age of keyboards and cursors. I never sit down and attempt to write down what I'm thinking or feeling unless I feel moved to do so, tonight is one of those nights. I recently felt a shift in the universe. Everything I thought I knew made a violent and sudden jump to the side, leaving me uncertain and confused. One of the pillars holding up the sky to the world I live in suddenly cracked and splintered, threatening to bring everything to its' knees. I'm sure everyone has had an experience like this. The question is, what do we do when this happens? Do we reach for the duct tape and rubber cement and hope that the pillar will remain structurally sound under the weight? Or do we go underground and wait while the world above is rebuilt? This is of course a hyperbolic metaphor, I do not entertain any notions of becoming a mole-person. But I would like the answers to these questions. How do we know what is worth fighting for, and what is worth throwing away and trying to rebuild? Keri Russel mentioned once that, "Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever." This scares me almost to death. It makes me afraid that every decision I make may lead me down a different path and towards a different end. There are specific moments in time that I can look back at and think, "Yes, that microscopic decision in my past changed my entire future." I live in constant fear that my next decision might be a terrible one; That the next person I meet might have some sort of significant impact in my future; That the next person to walk out on me might ruin my life. It's an interesting feeling knowing that the pillar has a crack, when the pillar keeps painting itself trying to make you think everything is going swell. "A tiger can smile, a snake will say it loves you. Lies make us evil." Wise words from Chuck Palahniuk, the master of mayhem. Am I being lied to? Who's doing the lying? Me? Them? The world? Everyone? We will never know. All we can know is that we are doing our best. If I am doing my best, I want to believe that everything will work out. I want to believe that there is some good in the cosmos that will let me have what I want if I want it enough. I'm counting on a combination of honesty, hard work, and respect to pull me through any rough situation that may arise in any aspect of my life. Once again however, my thoughts are jumbled and I digress. I guess what I'm getting at is I want to have hope. I've never been a big fan of the idea, but that's all there is left. Hope; I guess we'll give it a shot. Here goes... Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep...

1 comment:

  1. Tyler, you have a gift; you are 'a writer'. did your decision to leave St. George change your life forever?